New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

Just heard that in the next year there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively: "How do you give shoulders?"

Promises are like babies. Fun to make, but hell to deliver.

What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? Her wedding cake.