I know I'm not buying anything, and you know I'm not buying anything, but I want to know how much the sh*t I'm not buying costs.

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is definitely a big plus.

Where does a one-armed man shop? At a second-hand store.

"It has never bothered me that my fiancee's not Jewish until a week ago. We were home. We were doing the crossword together. The clue is 'a Hebrew month,' four letters. He writes, 'July.'"

"I never had hips. It's because I don't have kids. Everybody tells me that once I have a kid, I'll grow some hips. That's cool, but what do you do with the kid?"