Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

Two aliens are flying near earth The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons." The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman. I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know whos been sleeping with my wife. A voice from the other end of the bar called out, "Youll need more ammo".

Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person Today, I lost my job as a bus driver. This world is too cruel for the kind hearted..