A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know whos been sleeping with my wife. A voice from the other end of the bar called out, "Youll need more ammo".

Wife: I look fat. Can you give me a compliment? Husband: You have perfect eyesight.

An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Dont be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesnt go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes. The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? Her wedding cake.