New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

Just heard that in the next year there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

Dear God, my prayer for the next year is a FAT bank account and a THIN body. Please don't mix it up like you did this year.

If you're born in September, it's pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!

I have gotten out of a bed 365 times a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups. And no abs to show for it...