Dear God, my prayer for the next year is a FAT bank account and a THIN body. Please don't mix it up like you did this year.

If you're born in September, it's pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and the brunette sees her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again. Now, I'll be expected to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air." The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?" Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu: You get what you deserve.