I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face". I said, "You'll be sorry". He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
A man visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril. He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well." The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."