Making love to a woman is like playing a violin... I don't know how to do it

Any fool can be happy. It takes a man with real heart to make beauty out of the stuff that makes us weep.

My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils. But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Wife: I look fat. Can you give me a compliment? Husband: You have perfect eyesight.

Yo momma's so fat, that when she fell, no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.