A robber comes into the store steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"

Making love to a woman is like playing a violin... I don't know how to do it

My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils. But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Wife: I look fat. Can you give me a compliment? Husband: You have perfect eyesight.

Yo momma's so fat, that when she fell, no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.