- Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here. - But I never went to college. - Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.

My wife has a whale tattooed ... It used to be a dolphin.

My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied: "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

Did you know that you can tell how smart an ant is by catching it on fire? If it burns, it's a smart ant. If it doesn't, it's retardant.

Why was the Pepsi employee fired? He tested positive for coke.