If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.

A child's observation: If a mother laughs at dad's jokes, we have guests.

A boy and his dad are talking. - Hey Dad. - Yes son?- - Did you ever get shot in the army? He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies; - No, but I was shot in the leggy.

I remember one time I brought my report card home, I go, "Hey Pop, I got a B in Reading!" He goes, "That's a D, you idiot!"

Me and my girlfriend. My daughter's dad.