A snake walks into a bar. The bartender says "How the fuck did you do that?"

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick Mostly because his name is Steve

If you want to hear a quick comeback try walking away without paying.

How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, "Now, what do I give them to drink?"