My friend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

- Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here. - But I never went to college. - Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.

My wife has a whale tattooed ... It used to be a dolphin.

My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied: "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."