Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex. Now she'll know what rejection feels like

I'm 60 days clean now. It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.

I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary.

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her.