Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

- Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here. - But I never went to college. - Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.