One day when I was young... I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left... never came back... I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.

I don't get why women brag about multi-tasking There's nothing cool about doing three things wrong at once.

My wife left me because I am too insecure. Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

I'm saying that I'm a moody, insecure, narrow-minded, jealous, borderline homicidal bitch, and I want you to promise me that you're okay with that, because it's who I am, and you're what I need.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says: "I think we got this joke wrong".